Ben, ana sözcüğünü “anne”den daha içten, daha samimi buluyorum. Çünkü annede bulunan “nn” sessizleri bir yapmacık ifadenin İstanbul Ağzı’nın getirdiği bir kibarlığın ifadesi gibi geliyor. Ön dişlere vurarak çıkan bu sessizler, kelimenin anlamındaki içtenliği alıp götürüyor bence. Ama “ana”daki “n” öyle mi? O insanın yüreğiyle bir ilişki kurmuş gibi içten ve samimi. Çağıl çağıl, gürül gürül geliyor insanın içinden...
Belki, dilimizde en çok kullanılan sözcüklerden biridir “ana”. Anayol, ana sokak, ana cadde, ana neden, Anadolu, anavatan.... sözcükleri hep, “ana” sözünün anlamıyla türetilmiş, bütünleşmiş değil mi?

Uzun yıllar bu sözcüğü doyasıya söyleyemedim. Ne zaman anam desem, ona sarılmaya kalksam hep bir problemle karşılaştım ve anama doyasıya sarılamadım. Dizlerine başımı koyup bir türlü ağlayamadım. Ah anam! Şimdi olsaydın, bana “oğlum, yavrum! Deseydin neleri vermezdim ki... anam... anam... diye sabahlara kadar özlediğim seni ne zaman aklıma getirsem hemen bir el omzuma dokunuyor, sanki “o senin değil” der gibi beni senden koparıyor.... Sen ölene kadar da bu, böyle olmadı mı?
Önce çocukluğum gözlerimin önüne geliyor. Paylaşmak zorunda olduğum beş kardeşim var. Onların yanında sana sarılma hakkım bile yok. Çünkü benim bu ihtiyacımı sen de bilemedin ki o yıllarda. Bir de akşamdan akşama gelen babam. Seni döven, sana eziyet eden babam da senin bizi sevmene engeldi o zamanlar.
Sonra şehre gelişimiz, “tam kavuştum, anam artık benim,” dediğim günlerde etrafımızı saran çaresizlik, yalnızlık ve yoksulluk.

Senin beni sevdiğini biliyordum, biliyordum ama neden bana sarılıp öpmedin o zamanlar, neden beni görünce sadece ağlamakla yetindin anacığım. Daha sonra babalıklar girdi dünyama ve seni benden aldı. Ben neydim ki; seni seven, fakat senin yanında bir yeri olmayan, fazladan bir minder, kilim gibi bir şey... Babalıklar da benim sana sarılmama “ana!” dememe engel oldular. Ana, anne diye sabahlara kadar inlediğim gecelerde bile bana gelemedin. Ah anam, sen bunu bana bilerek mi yapıyordun!... Beni sevmesin, bana bağlanmasın, diye mi benden uzaklaşıyordun anam!...
Bir anda kendimi yatılı okul sıralarında buldum. Ayrılırken yine sana doyasıya sarılamadım anam! Sarılamadım ama, yağan yağmurlarla beraber gözlerimin yaşına da engel olamadım. Şimdi ne zaman yağmur yağsa beni bırakırken boynu büküklüğün gözlerime geliyor ana ve ağlıyorum. Nedense yağmur taneleri ağladığımı etrafa belli etmiyor. Etmiyor ama, yüreğim kanıyor ana!..
Uzun yollarda karanlık gecelerde gördüğüm ışıklar da bana seni hatırlatıyor anam!.. Başörtünün kenarından fışkıran o bembeyaz saçların, dokunsalar ağlayacakmış gibi bakan gözlerin; devamlı bir şeyler mırıldanır gibi görünen ağzın ve hüzünlü yüz ifaden gözlerimin önüne geliyor ve yine ağlıyorum anam!...
Biliyordum kalbinde bir yerimin olduğunu. Biliyordum beni içten sevdiğini, ama senden bu sevgini göstermeni isteyemiyordum, buna hakkımın olmadığını düşünüyordum.
Nasıl okudum, nasıl bu günlere geldim ben biliyordum da anam sen bilmiyordun. Ama benim kötü bir şeyler yapamayacağıma kalben inanmıştın ve öğretmen olunca bile bana yine sarılamamıştın anacığım; “artık kocaman adam oldun!” diye.
Ne olursa olsun, kim olursa olsun her şeyin, her insanın bir anaya ihtiyacı yok muydu be anacığım. Şu mısralar bunu en iyi bir şekilde anlatmıyor mu?
“Ana başa taç imiş
Her derde ilâç imiş,
Bir evlat pîr olsa da
Anaya muhtaç imiş...”
Seni yıllar sonra da çok aradım anam... ama nedense araya yollar girdi. Ekmek kavgası tüm dünyamı kapladı. Bu sefer de ben arayamadım anam. Arada sırada uğrayıp gönlünü alıyordum. Sana sarılmak yanaklarından doya doya öpmek istiyordum ama buna yine sen izin vermiyordun. Neden anam neden? Beni çok mu büyümüş görüyordun? Buna benim ihtiyacım olmadığını mı düşünüyordun?
Karlı bir kış günü seni benden aldı. Uzun geceler baş ucunda bekledim. Dualarım hep senin iyi olman, iyileşmen içindi. Ama gözlerini son kez kapadığında kenarlarından sızan iki damla yaş yüreğimi dağladı anam!.. Artık yoktun!.. Seni kara topraklara emanet verecektim. Bu sefer de aramıza kara toprak girdi anam!...
Ben şimdi her Anneler Günü’nde sarılamadığım, doyasıya bağrına yaslanamadığım anamı hatırlıyorum. Onun yaşadığı yerin önünden bile geçemiyorum. Sanki onu yine aynı yerde, küçücük iskemlesine oturmuş, elinde işi, burun ucuna kadar inmiş gözlüğüyle yolları dinlediğini görecek gibi olurum diye.
Mezarına giderim, ama yalnız... Mezarlığın yolunda için için ağlarım. Bir umutsuz, bir sonuçsuz kavuşmaya koşarım. Onu, ebedi istirahatgahında bana bakarken görürüm. Dudaklarında ağlamaklı bir gülümseme, gözlerinde iki damla yaş... Sanki “hoş geldin oğlum!” der gibi.. Sesi kulaklarımda çınlar. Sarılmak isterim mezarına doya doya, ama yine sarılamam.
Ah anam ah!... Yılları, yolları, duyguları ve seni geri getirebilsem, inan çok çok mutlu olacağım. Şimdi yıllar öncesinde bir öğrencimin yazdığı kompozisyondaki o duyguyu çok iyi anlıyorum: Şöyle diyordu öğrencim: “Annem olsaydı her şeyim olurdu. Ama, o şimdi yok, çok uzaklara gitti. Bense böyle boynu bükük ve kimsesizim. Ah anam ah!”

Ey Analar:
Çocuklarınızı seviniz ve bu duygunuzu onlara göstermekten korkmayınız. Çünkü çocuğunuz kaç yaşına gelirse gelsin size her zaman muhtaç, bu ihtiyacı karşılamamazlık etmeyin.

 

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